The Weather Channel has been awfully quiet this year about their controversial winter storm names. By this time in 2015, TWC had already run a full segment parading their creations. Perhaps now they have caved into the criticism and are quietly foregoing their new annual tradition. We hope they didn’t scrap the names however, not because we believe naming winter storms is helpful in any sort of way, but because AtmoLife would love to see The Weather Channel validate at least one of our predictions. Our guesses for the 2016-2017 winter storm names are listed below.

  • Atlantis: Winter is coming. Why suffer through another gloomy season when you can vacation at the most exotic resort in The Bahamas! (spon.)
  • Bromethius: The Greek god of partying. Guaranteed to get classes cancelled.
  • Crying MJ: It just won’t go away.
  • Delilah: “Hey there Delilah, stop destroying New York City.”
  • El Niño: Now you can tell people El Niño made landfall and not be wrong!
  • Festivus: Mother Nature displays feats of strength while you air your grievances.
  • Ganges: Formed by the holiest of atmospheric rivers.
  • Harambe: If anyone’s gonna be 4 months late to an over-saturated meme it’s these folks.
  • Isis: Egyptian goddess of magic, marriage, healing, and protection. Will certainly not be misconstrued for something else.
  • Jesus: When you have the opportunity to self-fulfill the largest biblical prophecy, you take it. The second coming will surely finish off what Isis left standing.
  • Kors: Lots of watches issued. Becomes very costly.
  • LOL: Two low pressure systems that circulate each other leading to laughably bad forecasts.
  • Mercury: Poorly named arctic front with nothing but low mercury readings.
  • Nikon: Very photogenic storm, but leads to costly repairs.
  • Oculus: The modeled snow maps are real if you want them to be.
  • Patrón: A hard shot of winter sure to cause widespread blackouts.
  • Queue: Still waiting for it to get here.
  • Roll Tide: Ominous forecasts captivate a large public bandwagon leading to backlash calling it overhyped. Then it destroys your town.
  • Sarlacc: “In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.” – C-3PO. Sorry Cleveland, this one’s definitely heading your way.
  • Tsar: Powerful storm abruptly removed by zonal flow distributing equal weather across the nation.
  • Urkel: Directly caused by global warming. Yes, you did do that.
  • Venus: Already occurred in May of 2015, but everyone stopped paying attention by then, so it can totally be reused.
  • Waldo: There it is!
  • Xanax: This winter has become depressing and stressful.
  • Y’all: A real nuisance to the Northeastern states.
  • Zuul: There is no spring, only Zuul.
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