Well it’s a good thing we didn’t wait an extra day to publish our winter storm name predictions. Within 24 hours, The Weather Channel released the actual 2016-2017 Winter Storm Names. Unfortunately, none of our predictions matched the resulting names, but our guesses of “Kors” and “Isis” came awfully close. While the concept of naming winter storms in the first place is still hotly debated by meteorologists, those semantics are of no concern to this article. Instead we focus solely on the more important issue: How good are the names themselves? Let’s take a gander.

Argos: City in Ancient Greece. Not nearly as cool as the fabled city of Atlantis in Greek Mythology that we proposed. Do better. D+

Blanche: French word for white. Also one of the Golden Girls. Oh my God that was over 20 years ago. You are so oldddddd! B

Caly: I’ve literally never heard of this name, and Google searches yield nothing. I can only assume it’s the Greek goddess of parents who give their children terrible names. F

Decima: The Roman goddess of fate who literally measures the thread of your life. That’s a damn good storm name. A

Europa: I’m sorry. I thought this was America. F

Fortis: Latin word for strong. Relevant but boring. B-

Gregory: I ain’t scurred of you, Forbes. C-

Helena: I never went through a full emo phase in high school, but that didn’t stop me from screaming this epic My Chemical Romance ballad out the window every time it came on the radio as I learned to drive. A+

Iras: Character in Shakespeare’s tragedy Anthony and Cleopatra. Would be a regular B, but the storm gets bonus points for the character’s sexual innuendos. B+

Jupiter: Jury is still out on this one until the storm proves to be as big as Jupiter’s red spot. The odds aren’t looking good seeing as the red spot is larger than the Earth. N/A

Kori: Another seemingly dumb name like Caly, but with actual Nordic roots. I think winters are cold there. C

Leo: Hopefully you won’t need to sleep inside a horse carcass to survive this one. A-

Maya: “A variation of Maia from Greek and Roman mythology. To Romans, Maia was the goddess of spring. The month of May is named in her honor.” – THIS IS LITERALLY THE WEATHER CHANNEL’S DESCRIPTION. Holy shit, they actually just named a winter storm after the goddes of SPRING. You had ONE Job. WINTER storm. This isn’t that difficult of a concept. F

Niko: I can’t. Just can’t. I’m still not over the fact that TWC named a winter storm after spring. Skipping this one. N/A

Orson: Okay, where were we? English word derived from the Latin word for bear. That’s fine I guess. B

Pluto: Another winter storm named after a planet? LOLJK. Solid troll job. A-

Quid: Latin word literally translating to “what”. What? D

Reggie: Reggie White. Reggie Jackson. Reggie Rocket. Name a Reggie that isn’t a total badass. I’m waiting. A



Theseus: Mythical king of Athens, oh and thanks for reminding me that I still haven’t defended my master’s thesis yet. Jerks. C+

Ursa: Also the Latin word for bear but the feminine form. I’d dock points for TWC repeating themselves, but I don’t want to come across as sexist, so they’re getting the same grade as Orson. B

Valerie: Feminine version of the Ancient Roman Saint Valerius. I never knew that was the origin of Valerie. Thanks TWC. B+

Wyatt: Similar to Quid as Wyatt is the Old English word for “what.” Okay, I made that up. C

Xavier: This is going to occur in March as Xavier basketball makes a Cinderella run to the Final Four. Calling it now. A-

Yuri: The first person in outer space BECAUSE THIS STORM WILL BE OUT OF THIS WORLD. GET IT??? A

Zeno: Alternate spelling of Zeus. Great storm name because Zeus is the Ancient Greek god of thunder and other cool weather stuff. Bad storm name because TWC already used  Winter Storm Zeus in 2013. C

OVERALL GRADE: This year’s names showed some flashes of brilliance among some real head-scratchers that we can only assume arise from general laziness. This makes The Weather Channel a typical meteorology undergraduate. We know you could’ve blown this naming assignment out of the water if you had really wanted to, but that hurricane party over there looked really fun, and you didn’t want to miss out. I can relate wholeheartedly, but you better pull it together for the GRE if you want any chance of getting into grad school. C+