As Election Day approaches, a larger than usual sector of Americans find themselves deciding between who they believe is the lesser of 2 evils. At AtmoLife, we’re here to
put and end to advance this Mockery of our electoral system by bringing our own Presidential candidate into the mix.
We are delighted to introduce to you Dr. Misty Summers, Distinguished Professor of Atmospheric Science and the 2016 AtmoLife Party nominee for President of the United States.
Misty was generous enough to sit down with us for an interview detailing her presidential platform.
AtmoLife: Thank you for joining us, Dr. Summers. Let’s begin by highlighting your environmental background. How to plan to apply your scientific expertise to combat the human impacts on global climate change?
Misty Summers: I ain’t gonna do a damn thing. Look, global warming is real, and global warming is spectacular. Who doesn’t want longer summers and milder winters? America already voted against winter when they decided a Canadian guy was worse than Trump. It’s time Republicans just come clean about what they really want. You think Sarah Palin believes all the climate denial crap she spews? No way. She’s sittin’ on future beach front property in Alaska, and Lord knows more people will spend their tourist dollars up there when there’s more to do besides chase after some fucking humpback whales.
AL: Wow. Well, your climate change ideology certainly won’t put any strain on the oil & gas or automotive industries. How else do you plan to stimulate the US economy?
MS: It’s simple, we ban the ECMWF model. We need models that resolve rain curtains, not iron curtains. Let’s pour all our money into improving the GFS, NAM, HRRR, and whatever the Navy uses. Not only will this create meteorology jobs in model development, but also jobs on the operational side as forecasting will become way more difficult requiring additional employees.
AL: This is quite an unconventional philosophy you have. Do you plan on applying a meteorology centric agenda to all aspects of foreign affairs?
AL: How do you plan to use meteorology to eliminate ISIS?
AL: As in… tornadoes?
MS: What other kind of wedge is there? I’m gonna send wedge after wedge into ISIS territory until every single terrorist gets wiped into Oz.
AL: I don’t think that’s possible.
MS: Sure it is. Ever hear of geo-engineering?
AL: Yeah, from conspiracy theorists. Not from a distinguished professor like y-
MS: Again, why do you think Sarah Palin tries so hard to hide climate change? In doing so she’s also hiding geo-engineering. I left the Republican party because I believe it’s time for the government to be open and honest with the public about geo-engineering and maybe even chemtrails. My goal is to create the finest geo-engineering curriculum for our bright young minds.
AL: Well I guess we can skip my next question about your plans for our education system. Let’s instead discuss a very polarizing current issue. Do you think America should build a wall?
MS: Most definitely. A recent study in geo-engineering found that building a wall has the potential to significantly decrease the tornado threat in the Great Plains.
AL: Not that wall. The wall Trump proposed along the Mexican border.
MS: What? No! I’m not crazy.
AL: Fair enough. Last question: How do you plan to convince more Americans to join to the AtmoLife party?
MS: I’m heading to the liquor store right after this. Gonna get a couple more kegs and some Fireball. Who doesn’t love Fireball?
AL: What does this have to do with running for President?
MS: Running? I’ve already been nominated President of the AtmoLife party planning committee.
AL: Wait, planning committee? Nobody told me this. If that’s the case, why did you answer all my questions about what you’d do as President of the United States?
MS: I assumed this was a hypothetical interview for some stupid blog.
Whoops. Sorry every one. Enjoy picking the lesser of 2 evils!