Welcome to the Weekly Siren Test, AtmoLife’s hodgepodge of meteorological happenings helping you survive your Monday. Content may or may not be satire, and it is your responsibility to decipher that for yourself.

2017 has begun with heated debates within the online meteorology community, which we consider to be a good thing. After 2016’s internet metldown of the political variety, it’s time to argue about weather again. This most recent dispute revolves around a topic that has surfaced these past few winters and finally reached its critical mass at the turn of the new year: Snow maps.

Ah yes, these model produced QPFs are the Escalade of meteorological utilities because they are as sexy as they are unreliable, especially when used for long ranges. As meteorologists, we understand the deficiencies of this product, but the consumer only sees the sexiness of the snow map, which is why we get pissed anytime a supposedly reputable forecaster shares one. Instead of getting upset and finger pointing however, we need to double down and share as many snow maps as possible.

That’s right folks, the only way to convince the public that these snow maps are worthless is to hit ’em in the face with them over and over again. Make America Sick of Snowmaps. Flood their social media pages with endless simulated garbage and then drop your real forecast. “Wow! Look how much better my prediction was than the models’,” you can say without the public realizing just how fucking easy that is to accomplish. “Now pay me all the moneyz.”

GROAN AREA FORECASTS

With all the snowfall down south, locals insist the weather is going to Helena handbasket.

Oklahomans haven’t been this concerned about potential ice since Sonic threatened to switch to regular cubes.

NOAA declared 2016 as the 2nd warmest year on record, but they fail to mention that 2015 was the warmest meaning that the earth is now cooling and global warming is a hoax.

Above average temperatures are returning to the Eastern US this week meaning global warming is accelerating and we should all panic.

AtmoLife Safety Tip: Just because it’s called the Truckee River does not mean you should drive your truck through it.

When looking up from the tunnel, you used to be able to see into the Pioneer Cabin Tree, but now you can Sierra ‘bove it.

WEDGE POWER RANKINGS

1. Tornado
2. Potato
3. Cheese
4. Sandwich
5. Shoes
6. Golf Club
7. Mechanical Device
12. Salad
45. Sum Products
94. Wedgies
108. Cold Air Damming

HYPE PREDICTION OF THE WEEK

It’s fitting that Clay Travis crossed into our meteorological realm because he’s essentially the sports equivalent to snow maps. His constant absurd takes make regular sports pundits look intelligent.

ATMOLIFE MS PAINT FORECAST

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A few weeks ago, we tweeted an example of what this section would look like, and wouldn’t you know it, that forecast is also valid for this week.

WEEKLY INSTAGRAM CONTEST

Be sure to follow AtmoLife on Instagram to keep up with our weekly contests! This week’s winner earns 3 AtmoCup points for their school and a free AtmoLife koozie. For this week’s contest, tag AtmoLife in a picture/video of someone being woefully incapable of handling winter. Below is our example:

 

We’ll announce the winner in next Monday’s Weekly Siren Test, so be sure to submit your Instagram posts before then!

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