Welcome to the Weekly Siren Test, AtmoLife’s hodgepodge of meteorological happenings helping you survive your Tuesday. Content may or may not be satire, and it is your responsibility to decipher that for yourself.
AtmoLife isn’t the only organization celebrating Nader Week this week. Many states are practicing tornado safety drills this week in an effort to prepare residents for tornado season. Since our Nader Week effort is focused on getting you weather weenies pumped for tornado season, we will be practicing tornado hype drills. This drill begins right now.
SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT…ATMOLIFE TORNADO HYPE DRILL
…THIS MESSAGE IS FOR TEST PURPOSES ONLY…
THIS IS NOT REAL TORNADO HYPE, BUT PLEASE PROCEED WITH NECESSARY TORNADO HYPEAGE
THE 12Z GFS HAS ISSUED A 60HR SURFACE DEWPOINT AND MOST UNSTABLE CAPE MAP THAT BOTH SHOW HIGHER VALUES FOR [Your Location] THAN LAST NIGHT’S 0Z RUN DID, WHICH YOU SHOULD SHARE TO SOCIAL MEDIA IMMEDIATELY. WHILE THESE NUMBERS ARE STILL GENERALLY INSUFFICIENT TO SUPPORT A LARGE-SCALE TORNADO OUTBREAK, THEY SHOW A CLEAR UPWARD TREND TOWARD MAY 3RD ALL OVER AGAIN LEVELS.
THE NAM HOWEVER HAS YET TO ALIGN WITH THIS UPWARD TREND BUT THE NAM IS GARBAGE ANYWAY SO WHO CARES UNLESS TONIGHT OR TOMORROW IT DOES ALIGN, AND THEN THERE’S MODEL CONSENSUS.
IN ADDITION, THE 12Z GFS SHOWS A METRIC SHITTONNE OF VERTICAL MOTION ALIGNED WITH STRONG BULK SHEAR VALUES AND A HODOGRAPH THAT WOULD PROBABLY LOOK MORE CLOCKWISE IF THE MODEL INTERPOLATION SCHEME WAS BETTER. THIS SYSTEM DEFINITELY WON’T GO LINEAR THOUGH. JUST WAIT UNTIL THE HRRR COMES OUT AN PROVES YOU RIGHT BY RESOLVING DISCRETE SUPERCELLS.
IF YOU ARE NEAR A COMPUTER SEEK ANSWERS IMMEDIATELY BY ASKING ON SOCIAL MEDIA WHY THE SPC HASN’T UPGRADED THE DAY 3 RISK TO MODERATE YET, OR HELL, EVEN ENHANCED WOULD SUFFICE FOR NOW, BUT IT’LL SURELY BE HIGH RISK BY THE TIME IT’S THE DAY 1 OUTLOOK.
FOLLOW THIS INQUIRY BY IMMEDIATELY SEEKING SHELTER UNDERGROUND OR IN AN INTERIOR ROOM FROM THE HATER TROLLS MOCKING YOU. IF YOU STILL HAVE WIFI OR MOBILE DATA SERVICE IN YOUR HYPE BACKLASH SHELTER, THE BLOCK BUTTON ADDS AN ADDITIONAL LAYER OF PROTECTION.
IF YOU ARE IN A VEHICLE BE SURE TO STRAP THE HAIL CAGE TO THE TOP OF YOUR CAR ALONG WITH YOUR OVERSIZED ANEMOMETER AND SEND PHOTOS TO EVERYONE WITH REMARKS ABOUT HOW YOU’RE READY TO SAVE LIVES.
FOR MORE INFORMATION ON SEVERE WEATHER…INCLUDING HYPE
INFORMATION…VISIT OUR WEBSITE AT [Some high schooler’s weather Facebook page]/[Wx Twitter]/WEATHER.COM.
THIS CONCLUDES ATMOLIFE’S ANNUAL TORNADO HYPE DRILL. PLEASE FOLLOW THESE SAME PROCEDURES IN THE EVENT OF AN ACTUAL TORNADO HYPE OCCURRENCE.
END OF BULLETIN
GROAN AREA FORECASTS
Kansas, Missouri, and Illinois all had their statewide tornado drills today. Hopefully this helps everyone prepare for yesterday’s tornadoes.
Bold move by IHOP scheduling national pancake day during nader week. They’re asking to take the blame for any structures pancaked by a tornado today.
— The Weather Channel (@weatherchannel) March 2, 2017
…Talk about a shitty way to die.
— Stu Ostro (@StuOstro) March 7, 2017
…I can’t wait to use the GOES-16 rapid scan while storm chasing this spring to view the quickly unchanging capped clear sky in high definition.
The White House is proposing to cut roughly a quarter of NOAA’s budget, which in turn will force the agency to cut a quarter of its letters. The newly renamed NAA is pronounced “nah”.
NADER SHAPE POWER RANKINGS
1. Wedge (duh)
3. Elephant Trunk
HYPE PREDICTION OF THE WEEK
— James Van Fleet (@JamesVanFleet) March 6, 2017
What is this week-out snowmap hype doing here? IT’S NADER WEEK. EITHER HYPE UP A TORNADO OUTBREAK OR GTFO.
As we’ve mentioned in previous weeks, If you see someone post an absurd weather forecast on twitter/facebook/wherever, please bring it to our attention because this is a section dedicated to poking fun at when people produce such sincere sensationalist garbage. If we use the ridiculously hyped forecast that you have pointed out, we’ll be sure to credit you and award your school with an AtmoCup bonus point!
ATMOLIFE MS PAINT FORECAST
WEEKLY INSTAGRAM CONTEST
Each week, AtmoLife asks our followers to post a challenge response photo/video to Instagram and tag our Instagram account (atmolife) in it.
Last week’s challenge: To get in the spirit of Nader Week, upload to Instagram a new picture/video of any tornado you’ve seen and tag AtmoLife in it.
Here is last week’s winner:
Congrats to the_delaware_weather_man of Penn State for the sweet Oklahoma nader and pretty colors. You win a free AtmoLife koozie and 3 AtmoCup points for your school. Also, big thanks to everyone who submitted entries this week. As our Nader Week special, you have each earned 1 AtmoCup bonus point for your respective schools.
This week’s challenge: Tag us in an Instagram photo/video of your go-to hiding spot from tornadoes. This can be a real or satirical shelter.
Here is our example:
THIS WEEK'S INSTAGRAM CHALLENGE: Tag us in a photo/video of your go-to hiding spot from tornadoes. This can be a real or satirical shelter. Here is our totally safe and real AtmoLife winenado bunker and totally not some stock photo of a wine cellar we found on a google image search. As always, winner gets a free AtmoLife koozie and 3 AtmoCup points for their school.
And as always, the winning responder will earn a free AtmoLife koozie and 3 AtmoCup points for their school. We’ll announce the winner in next week’s Siren Test, so be sure to submit your Instagram posts by 12Z Tuesday!