Yesterday, The Weather Channel released their Winter Storm Names for the 2017-2018 season. This was a bit sooner than we anticipated, and therefore we missed the opportunity to make our winter storm name predictions this year. It’s not a huge loss for us though. Our guesses would’ve been mostly recycled content from our 2016-2017 predictions. We will however, participate again in grading TWC’s storm names. Let’s see what they gave us this year.

dlyedzfu8aaqx2k

It appears that The Weather Channel may be phasing out the historically-based monikers in favor of more common modern names. Perhaps they’re aiming to align more closely with the NHC’s hurricane naming system in order for their winter storm names to garner the same level of respect. We’ll be the judge of said respect. Let’s go through the list.

Aiden: Tied with Caden, Jaden, and similarly spelled homophones for the stupidest, most basic name millennials burden their children with. F

Benji: Famous dog from a 1970’s movie. Also a very good dog. A

Chloe: In last year’s predictions, we joked that Kors would become a winter storm name. This is pretty much the same thing. B-

Dylan: Your bro from high school who played bass in your shitty garage band until his parents grounded him after he got caught smoking a doobie under the bleachers. Man, whatever happened to that guy? C-

Ethan: Your other bro from high school who talked you out of smoking that j with Dylan. Still owe you for that one, my dude. A-

Frankie: The Weather Channel knows you missed your high school reunion, so they’re gettin’ the whole clan back together! C+

Grayson: Where are all the chicks, man? I thought you said you were bringing your hot friends. We can’t all just take turns hitting on Chloe. D

Hunter: Dammit. Who invited Hunter? Nobody ever liked that jerk. Oh, he’s cool now? Oh, alright. C

Inga: Thank God Inga is here. This party was becoming too saturated with dudes. Now we have a different kind of saturationB

Jaxon: Similar to Jackson in that the name origin means “son of Jack” but in this case, Jack can’t spell. D-

Kalani: Nothing screams winter storm like a Hawaiian name. F

Liam: Assuming this is named after Liam Neeson, the storm will go on an ass-kicking rampage leaving no survivors. A

Mateo: Spanish for Matthew. Similar to El Niño, which is Spanish for….THE NIÑO. A

Noah: Hey look, a common name that also has biblical significance! Noah’s relation to a storm that submerged the entire world makes you wonder why it took this many years for it to become a winter storm name. Just be ready to build and arc from the flood of tweets about building an arc. A+

Oliver: Just in case you weren’t keeping score, we’re now at 12 male names and only 3 female names. Total sausage fest. D

Polly: Generic, but at least it’s not another male.

Quinn: Ugh, Polly brought her douchebag boyfriend. D-

Riley: Riley can be a girl’s name too, right? C-

Skylar: At least the word Sky is in the name, so it ties into meteorology if you’re desperately grasping at straws. C+

Toby: Thomas the Tank Engine’s little bitch trolley pal. F

Uma: Now I understand the reason behind TWC’s noticeable lack of female names. They we’re pooling all their money to sign noted cinematic ass-kicker Uma Thurman. A

Violet: Purple’s pretentious “We’re not identical! Oh my God, how can you people not see the difference?” sibling. C-

Wilbur: Named after people that talk to horses and pigs that talk to spiders. Don’t be surprised if your pets start going batshit before this storm arrives. B-

Xanto: From the Greek work Xanthus, which means blonde. I’m not sure what hair or beer colors have to do with winter weather, but hey, a Greek name! B

Yvonne:  Old French word having to do with archery. I guess that’s pretty cool. A-

Zoey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. C

OVERALL GRADE: As a whole, the new list of winter storm names is extremely bland compared to prior years. Perhaps this was intentional to avoid the levels of mockery they’ve received in seasons past. Nevertheless, the mockery will continue as long as meteorologists disagree with the concept of naming winter storms in the first place. At least this year The Weather Channel can make us look like assholes for offending real people who have the names we mock. Please go back to using more historical names. D+

Advertisements